Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Me,

I know you try real hard to 'fit' in but don't worry, there are people out there who like you just the way you are! You are SO funny ... sometimes ... and at least 50% of the time you can say a joke at the RIGHT time. Your heart is always in the right place when trying to do something nice for someone. You don't like to attempt a job you can't give 100% to and you've learned that if you take on a task you need to research it so you CAN give OVER 100%. You also don't like to leave things incomplete (even though you have (frowny face)). It bothers you and that's a good thing.

You like challenges and you like solutions. You like milkshakes. You love your children, husband and family. You are protective and like plans. You like organization. You don't mind spontaneity but not at the cost of comfort and safety.

You are picky about who you are friends with, but that's a good thing, you'd rather have a few good friends than lots of people that get under your skin, although you strive to get along with everyone. If you are wrong, you'll admit it, maybe under your breath but you'll still do it. You strive to change if someone else's idea is better and proven. You stick to your guns if you believe you are in the right.

 You are awesome. I love me!

Sincerely, ME.

30 days of truth ~ Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

BAaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHA

If I got someone pregnant ... I would be a little on the concerned side. Unless I became a fertility specialist I suppose.

If I was pregnant, it would alright. I would be a teeny bit disappointed because I would like to not have to worry at my brother's wedding and if I was pregnant right now my baby would be (calculating) 9 months old at the wedding and ... I would definitely be stressed about that (since I'm in the wedding party and so is Corey) I mean things would work out of course but still ... plus the baby would be born during moose hunting season ... or deer ... ;)

30 days of truth ~ Day 27 - What's the best thing going for you right now?

I don't understand the question.

No really. Does it mean ... what am I most grateful for? Or does it mean ... what about me makes me 'special' right now?

Well ... hmmm I suppose the best thing going for me right now is ... okay I'm stumped. I don't know if it's because I still haven't been able to get my balance back after 'the hospital' or if I'm just still too tired to deal with a question of this MAGNITUDE. Come on, Corinne ...

Interesting fact : I haven't referred to myself as Cea since the beginning of my blog. That is hilarious.

Wait! I got it! The best thing in my life that I am doing, is raising my kids. Love it. Best thing ever. And another great thing is that when I go to work, I'll be working on days that Corey doesn't work so it'll be very occasionally that I'll need a sitter. Yay! I like savin' money! Plus Corey really is a great dad! PLUS if we both need to work, I have a small list of available last minute sitters :) I would say that's pretty great.

30 days of truth ~ Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I don't know. Well, I may have contemplated the idea ... probably. I think I read somewhere that everyone thinks of it at one point or another. But I'm selfish and the thought of anyone else doing things that I should be doing is enough to keep me going. I don't know when I thought of it ... I can't think of any major instance in my life that brought me THAT low, well I can think of low moments, but nothing that low ... make sense?

I don't know what to think of suicide. IF you kill yourself ... I mean that's it. The problem doesn't go away for anyone but yourself. That means others have to deal with it. Sigh. It's a depressing thought in itself. Plus. I'm tired and my mind can't think that deeply right now. How unfortunate that Day 26 ended up being on a day when I can't give it much thought. Maybe I need some coffee.

30 days of truth ~ Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today

Well, I have no idea. Because I am I suppose. I would like to think that there's something I'm supposed to do, or somewhere I need to be ... or maybe I've done it and been there ... and now it's just living. I don't know. Every once in a while I think I know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but then I get days like today where I just don't want to do that. I'm just tired as I write this, which is why it's boring.

Actually, since I'm thinking about it I have noticed a bit of a pattern. Generally when I think I know exactly what I should do, I will begin to think details. Then it seems it peters out until I hit something else. It's never far from my original thought it so I think it's about refining it. Once I get it right, things will just work out I think. I will be available, it'll be in my grasp and all I have to do is reach out and grab it.

Right. This post is about the reason I'm alive. Well ... I don't know. I just am.

30 days of truth ~ Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

This one is hard because .... I don't know ... music very well. Not radio music anyways ... soooo ... I'm actually going to skip one. I know. WHAT?! okay, okay, I'm going to skip it FOR NOW, but I'll come back and edit it. :)

R.E.S.P.E.C.T
It's my Life - Bon Jovi
Fighter By Christina Aguilera

I'll let you guess to whom I may want this particular playlist sent to .... haha ;)

30 days of truth ~ Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

Another easy one. Well easy to come up with anyways.

Stood up for myself. Stand up for others.

I suck at it sometimes. I wish that in the past, especially after Amelie's birth ... that I would have stood up for myself. It doesn't matter if I don't have facts ... or statistics ... I don't deserve to be treated poorly like that especially after such an intense life changing experience. No one deserves to be treated like that.

I wish I had become a nurse. Damn it. I know, I know. I still could. If I could take the course in PA ... I honestly think I would. Well ... I'm glad I wasn't a nurse ... because then I might not have experienced things the way I did ... hmmm ... food for thought.

Well ... I can work on my confidence. Strengthen it with knowledge. Everyone knows that knowledge is power, ignorance will get you a job at McDonalds for the rest of your life. Okay I don't actually know what ignorance will get you but seriously ... it's 12:46 am and I drank a Pepsi thinking Will would be up all night and he's sleeping so ... just deal with it.

Interesting fact : I met a nurse educator while at the hospital and she told me that PA was hiring midwives. Not gonna lie. I was pretty surprised because I hadn't heard anything haha. She also thought my homebirth's were cool and she answered all my absolutely ridiculous questions very thoroughly. She gets an A.

30 days of truth ~ Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life

Seriously ... everything I did made me who I am ... but I'm sure I can pull up something ...

Ohhhh I got one. GAW.

When I was 16, I believe only 3 months after I got my license ... after Christmas(?) I think so, mom was going to Saskatoon with ... someone, for ... something. Possibly a meeting of sorts. Anyways, she told me pretty specifically, don't go anywhere! She was all like 'Gah, it's icy and cold and bad things could happen' so of course ... I said 'yes mom'.

The day she left, we were bored so decided to go get a movie in Bellevue. Needless to say I got into a car accident on some black ice. 9500$ worth of damage on our van. No one was 'seriously' hurt, but the other car was totalled and I'm pretty sure they WERE injured a bit, like physical therapy, sore neck ... not for sure though because I never was told. Double needless to say, I thought my mom was going to kill me. Gayle was with me ... surprised she still gets into the car with me ... but I'm much better now.

As you can see, my mom did not kill me. She was mad and I was grounded (not gonna lie this affected me not at all because I had no social life so haha)

I learned a lot from this, but I could have really killed someone! My sister was on the side they hit ... she has bad luck with that I suppose. Sigh.

30 days of truth ~ Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Okay. This one is really redonkulous. I mean really? Of COURSE I would do the SAME stuff I would do even if we HADN'T gotten into an argument.

I would ascertain her condition and act accordingly, depending on the situation. If it was a minor fender bender, chances are she's got it under control. If it was anything more serious then I would do whatever was asked of me.

I think this question is really silly, but there's my answer anyways.

30 days of truth ~ Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Well ....

I have personally never done drugs. What?! You ask. No ... never, so to have an official opinion from experience, I've got none. I think they are a bad idea and bad for you.

Alcohol on the other hand ... fine on occasion. It can be overdone. I dislike intensely alcoholics and even more intensely those that drink and drive. I don't feel the need to dwell on this subject any more than that. I think you get my point.

30 days of truth ~ Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

What do I think of religion? Or politics? I'll do both.

Religion : I often talk myself in circles when it comes to religion. In order to better comprehend the Bible/my religion I've joined a Bible study : Through our Eyes.  I have tons of questions about religion. Should I have faith? Should I just blindly hope? I do know one thing ... people who quote scripture at me drive me insane! I'm so happy that you have found your place ... or did you? Are you just quoting it out of insecurity ... so it's not forgotten? I actually enjoy going to church (not that I've gone lately). It's nice and quiet, the music is peaceful and the lesson is valid whether you are religious or not. I don't like the thought of having to ultimately 'worship' someone. I really dislike the thought of God being 'all forgiving' and this only because of pedophiles, murderers ... I mean I'm guessing most of them don't believe in God, but those that do and last minute ask forgiveness ... then what ... they're forgiven? It's probably more complicated than that, which is why I'm doing this Bible Study.

Politics : Holy smoly. Politicians. Aren't they a piece of work. We all criticize (Corey especially ;) we're all unhappy ... and it seems that literally no one is happy unless they get money. It doesn't matter who's in charge, everyone thinks they should get money for their programs. I think we need to start at the beginning. Maternity care. Schools. Medical. I also think everybody should pay taxes. I think if you commit a crime you should have to pay for it.

Interesting fact : I also think that after a certain age, people should be REQUIRED to retake their driver's test every 5 years.

I could go on for a long time about both subjects, but I'm saving my creative energy for when I get to blog about my little niece's birth story. :)

30 days of truth ~ Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.

I think marriage is marriage. That's it. I mean back in the day no one said anything about a 30 year old marrying a 13 year old. In my, not always humble, opinion at least gay people are going into marriage willingly.

I do agree, however, that whatever church they are trying to get married in has certain rules. Just like having to be a certain height to go on a ride. BUT on the other hand, isn't God supposed to love everyone?? Isn't it immature to compare being 'allowed' to marry to an amusement ride? Probably.

Who are we to say ... that THEIR marriage is a no-no, but we will celebrate with champagne when that young couple gets married. Only to find out later that he's beating her every chance he gets.

What IS wrong with gay marriage? I don't get it. Is it the word? Does someone have a copyright on the word married? Why is it such a big deal? I'm honestly just ... dumbfounded. I mean don't we have more important things to worry about? Like our environment? Shouldn't we worry about how much longer we can live on the planet before we even think of worrying who we're living with? Or who they're living with?

Our justice system needs a revamping before we start getting all worked up about gay marriage.

And our maternity care system. If you want to get all worked up about something. I vote maternity care in Canada. Definitely needs to be revamped. By the time we're done fixing our justice system and our maternity care system ... nobody will care about who's marrying who.

30 days of truth ~ Day 16 - Someone you definitely could live without.

What?! How did I miss this day??? How lame is that?!! Lame I tell you.

I could live without ... angry and bitter, know it all labor and delivery nurses. I don't want them to die, not that kind of living without them ... I just want them to go away.

Why are they so angry? I mean, I'm sure they have whatever reasons, but why take it out on patients??

I'm not here to make YOUR life easier by complying to a million interventions that I will have to pay for ... the rest of my life. Wow. Look I even brought my own support team. You really don't know what's best for me. I'm sorry that because I don't want an epidural I'm going to vocalize through my contractions and that disturbs your lunch. Well, actually I'm not sorry, get a new career. IF you don't have faith in my body, go somewhere else, because I have faith in my body.

That is all.

Disclaimer ;) I am more than aware that not all L&D nurses are like this. You will note, I was pretty specific up at the top.

That was like the lamest little rant I've ever done. Lame.

30 days of truth ~Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Well, in all honesty, lots of books. To say that one book altered my entire thought process would be difficult. Well, that's not entirely true. There is one book that absolutely pissed me off. It's called the Velvet Promise by Jude Deveraux.

It's actually one of my favorites because it evoked such a strong reaction from me. It's the story of a young woman being forced to marry some strapping guy. You know the typical romance novel smut. It's their wedding and they are just ... pretty happy to be together. Of course drama happens and that wedding night he just takes her, you know, doing his duty, what's best for everyone deal. That. ... that dis-empowerment of a woman, infuriates me. And THEN he thinks it's just going to be all better by saying ... 'oh, I didn't realize ... I'm sorry'. Of course, she's all resistant and then just melts ... pfffff. Whatever, but regardless she turns the tables on him and is super smart. I just like her.

How did this change my thought you ask? Well ... this was probably the beginning of the beginning. It clicked something inside about how I'm special. I deserve respect. It initiated the very early beginnings of my need to birth quietly, and privately. I read this in my late teen years and I was already hearing the whispers of what was happening in hospitals (especially my local one). It made me uncomfortable and I remember asking questions here and there ... then when I did my research and now it makes sense.

30 days of truth ~ Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Hmmmm. Well ... probably not a someone because I haven't 'not' lived with them. AS in they haven't left me.

My blog. I can't live without it. Okay I could physically live without it, but I would be sad. Well. I suppose I could cope and type in Microsoft Word or something. Forget handwriting, holy crap that would take too long. So old school.

I really enjoy my blog. You know what. Stop the press. I know. I know exactly what I can't live without!!!

My piano. Cry. I. miss. my. piano.

It's at mom's house. I miss my piano like I would miss oxygen. I REALLY miss it. I am living without it. I've been miserable without it. I used to play a lot. And now, when I go to the farm, I get to dabble here and there, nothing exciting and I'm rusty. Maybe that's why I like to type so much. My fingers like dancing across the keyboard? Sigh. MAJOR sigh. I miss it so much.

When we build our new house, mom said I can have it. Technically it's not my piano, it's her piano, but let's be honest, I will play it more than she does. I'm just a few years ... 5 years at most hopefully.

I really miss it. Alright I COULD live without it, but look how cranky it makes me!!!

30 days of truth ~ Day 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter)

Oooooh. Okay. I wrote a letter in December with full intentions of reading it out loud. I got cold feet. Or distracted. Here is a new letter.

Dear Hero that has let me down,

When we first met, you were the right kind of push for me. I stood on the edge of something great and just that nudge sent me into a place I always wanted to be. My confidence grew by leaps and bounds. I could do things that others couldn't. I was amazing. It spread into my school work (which went from great to better) and even as I grew older I came to you for advice.

When I needed help to solve a problem, I could talk to you. You were logical. You made sense. It didn't matter when I called or who answered, I could get help. I learned new things, exciting things and I helped to start a great project. Through each hurdle and each 'big plunge' you were there. Part of my family. I trusted you and took great pride in being trusted by you. You believed in me and I believed in you. We were a good pair.

It's no longer like that anymore is it?

I see things with new eyes. There's no trust. My confidence was shaken in that area and for help I go elsewhere. I turn my head in disappointment. My heart is broken and I'm left grasping for excuses. There are none. Absolutely none. This wasn't my choice, the blame isn't mine, it's out of my hands.

I'm confident on my own now, but I miss knowing you were backing me. Now, it's luck of the draw when I glance back. When I need to turn to someone for advice, it isn't you I turn to. Even when you offer it, it's tainted, untrustworthy and childish. Hugs I gladly gave, and tears of joy that fell, now I'm cold and unmoved, no matter what words you use. The blessings I looked forward to at each family gathering, are now long and pointless.

   The point is, I miss you. I'm not the only one. I'm just one of many who miss talking to you, doing things with you, most of all being able to laugh with you. Your jokes aren't funny anymore. I used to defend you, now I walk away, knowing I can't win the argument. I've grown tired and afraid. You're unpredictable. I like control and organization. I don't trust your judgment or advice.  I've grown edgy and nervous around you. I try to act calm, and nonchalant ... on the inside I'm grinding my teeth.

   Maybe you don't realize the consequences of your actions. The positions you put all of us in. Maybe ... you don't care? That can't be true. I tell myself it isn't. If I didn't care ... if I thought you were just wasting my time. A loser. I wouldn't write this letter. I wouldn't post it on my blog. I wouldn't have another letter, saved in my email, waiting for the 'right' time. There will never be a right time, but now there's no one to give me that nudge. Everyone else is 'defensive', you were always 'offensive'. IF I needed to be offensive ... I could go to you. I knew you would put it into perspective for me. Now it's you who is defensive, and not in a good way.
   
Saying any of this to your face ... it's unreal to me. It's impossible. The slightest mention of disaccord or disapproval sends you on a spewing rampage of unrelated topics. Maybe you'll read this, maybe you'll make an excuse and not read it.

I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm worried. I'm confused. I'm hopeful.

I can't make your move. You have to make it. It'll be the hardest thing you do. So I've been told.

You should know, I want to help. I want to help. I can make sacrifices. They won't be sacrifices if it helps you.

Aren't I worth it? You always said I was.

And by I ... I mean we ... and by we I mean your family.

We miss you.

We're waiting

We love you

I love you.

Love,
Me.

  

30 days of truth ~Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)

Dear Christmas music,

I love you. You make winter bearable (because I listen to you all winter). You make the Christmas season more festive and fun. You are also less depressing than other music and you don't talk about disco sticks, big butts or prostitutes. You cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

You also remind me what Christmas is about. Love. Family. Jesus' birth. Cookies. Hot chocolate. Christmas Trees. Sexy Santa. All those good things.

But most of all Christmas music, you can fill my CD player and NOT be the same artist. And. You annoy the hell out of my husband, more than I will ever be able to accomplish. Oh Christmas music, I adore you.

Love Corinne

30 days of truth ~ Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.

My problem solving abilities.

I love problem solving. It's like ... real life editing. OMGIwanttosolveyourproblem.

Not therapy problems. Lame. I have no empathy. Or ... is it sympathy? Wait, I think I have lots of empathy, but sympathy ... less. Wait a minute while I google this.

(one minute later)

Ah yes. Turns out I may lack both. Wow, that's too bad. Of course, it may be cleverly disguised as something else. Back to problem solving.

Sidenote : I like instructions that come with something I buy, but regardless I can put it together.

There are so many examples I can give about my problem solving abilities. Trying to heard horses, trying to escape horses, trying to herd AND escape horses. Organizing people and files. Budgets. I love budgets (alright I'll admit sometimes I get lazy on mine, but other people's budgets, awesome.) My dream job was working at the office in Bellevue. I was in charge of these accounts and .... Heaven music .... I was able to problem solve it until I had a ROCKING system going. My boss will attest to that I'm sure. Also. Math problems. I love the new math books. Love math problems. I love math and problems and math problems. I'm good at finding solutions for things or ways around them, sometimes the solution is just harder than the effort someone is willing to give, therefore, it remains a problem. I still solved it.

Interesting fact : I can problem solve anything ... except food. The concept of solving food ... ie making it less spicy or more spicy, juicy or thick ... totally beyond me.

Nobody really recognizes this talent of mine. Except my ex-boss who pointed it out to me when I was working and once afterward when we were done there. Of course, now that you all know about it, I'll  be asked to perform and will just stare at you with ... empathy and/or sympathy.

30 days of truth ~ Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Easy. On how perfect I am. No?

hmmmm ....

Alright then, I'm funny. Or Sarcastic. Or easy to make fun of or ... you know it generally has to do with laughter. But really.

Sometimes I get some good one liners, I'll admit. Maybe my sarcasm is right on once in a while, but trust me ... sometimes it's WAY off. Awkward.

Actually. It's still funny. It may be funnier when I'm the only one laughing. If any member of my family is with me, I know I won't be left hanging and they will laugh at me regardless ... but still.

Is it possible to be passionately humorous? I lost my way for a while. After Amélie was born, I was definitely not as funny as usual. Then over the past few months, since Will's birth, things are settling back in. Or ... I think they are? You know, even during Will's birth there are some seriously funny moments. Come to think of it, my entire day today was filled with laughter. How is the world going to handle me AND my mini-mes? And my husband is funny too ... a family of clowns ;) I'll take that any day.

30 days of truth ~Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

Gosh. I dunno. Someone I need to let go ..... or someone I wish I didn't know .... 0-0. Hmmmmmm.

Well, I'm glad I know all the people I know, they made me who I am ... I suppose.

Okay. I got something. Max, from Max and Ruby.

Max is a bunny, approx 2 years old I believe and all I want to do is serious damage. That bunny, is the WORST behaved bunny I have ever seen. Not only that, but his big sister Ruby, who is 7, looks after him. Like WHAT THE FUCK??!! (crazy scream) STUPID!!! His grandma lives on the same street and pops in once in a while and is ALWAYS on Max's side. How is this POSSIBLY good for kids?! I can't get over it!!! I wish I NEVER knew this cartoon it makes me SO MAD!! HAHAHAHAHA. Also, WHERE are his parents???

That's all I got today. (shrug) Sorry ... couldn't leave this one blank though.