Tuesday, January 25, 2011

30 days of truth ~ Day 14 - A hero that has let you down (letter)

Oooooh. Okay. I wrote a letter in December with full intentions of reading it out loud. I got cold feet. Or distracted. Here is a new letter.

Dear Hero that has let me down,

When we first met, you were the right kind of push for me. I stood on the edge of something great and just that nudge sent me into a place I always wanted to be. My confidence grew by leaps and bounds. I could do things that others couldn't. I was amazing. It spread into my school work (which went from great to better) and even as I grew older I came to you for advice.

When I needed help to solve a problem, I could talk to you. You were logical. You made sense. It didn't matter when I called or who answered, I could get help. I learned new things, exciting things and I helped to start a great project. Through each hurdle and each 'big plunge' you were there. Part of my family. I trusted you and took great pride in being trusted by you. You believed in me and I believed in you. We were a good pair.

It's no longer like that anymore is it?

I see things with new eyes. There's no trust. My confidence was shaken in that area and for help I go elsewhere. I turn my head in disappointment. My heart is broken and I'm left grasping for excuses. There are none. Absolutely none. This wasn't my choice, the blame isn't mine, it's out of my hands.

I'm confident on my own now, but I miss knowing you were backing me. Now, it's luck of the draw when I glance back. When I need to turn to someone for advice, it isn't you I turn to. Even when you offer it, it's tainted, untrustworthy and childish. Hugs I gladly gave, and tears of joy that fell, now I'm cold and unmoved, no matter what words you use. The blessings I looked forward to at each family gathering, are now long and pointless.

   The point is, I miss you. I'm not the only one. I'm just one of many who miss talking to you, doing things with you, most of all being able to laugh with you. Your jokes aren't funny anymore. I used to defend you, now I walk away, knowing I can't win the argument. I've grown tired and afraid. You're unpredictable. I like control and organization. I don't trust your judgment or advice.  I've grown edgy and nervous around you. I try to act calm, and nonchalant ... on the inside I'm grinding my teeth.

   Maybe you don't realize the consequences of your actions. The positions you put all of us in. Maybe ... you don't care? That can't be true. I tell myself it isn't. If I didn't care ... if I thought you were just wasting my time. A loser. I wouldn't write this letter. I wouldn't post it on my blog. I wouldn't have another letter, saved in my email, waiting for the 'right' time. There will never be a right time, but now there's no one to give me that nudge. Everyone else is 'defensive', you were always 'offensive'. IF I needed to be offensive ... I could go to you. I knew you would put it into perspective for me. Now it's you who is defensive, and not in a good way.
Saying any of this to your face ... it's unreal to me. It's impossible. The slightest mention of disaccord or disapproval sends you on a spewing rampage of unrelated topics. Maybe you'll read this, maybe you'll make an excuse and not read it.

I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm worried. I'm confused. I'm hopeful.

I can't make your move. You have to make it. It'll be the hardest thing you do. So I've been told.

You should know, I want to help. I want to help. I can make sacrifices. They won't be sacrifices if it helps you.

Aren't I worth it? You always said I was.

And by I ... I mean we ... and by we I mean your family.

We miss you.

We're waiting

We love you

I love you.



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