Tuesday, August 6, 2013


Anxiety is a very, very scary place to be. I call it a place because it felt like a place. Like a scary, maze and I kept hitting these dead ends. Scary and dark and really terrifying. I've been worried about things before, but there's a difference between being worried and having anxiety.

I've always been 'worried' or 'concerned' about things, and people have told me I'm 'too worried' and need to relax more. I wonder if they realize that those words aren't helpful in any way, shape, or form. I'm kind of getting off topic here, but I think it's worse when I'm yelling at my kids or something and someone else chimes in ... like really??

Anywalruses .... where was I ... oh yes the dark scary place that we call anxiety.

It's dark. Scary. And there isn't much oxygen there.

Anxiety, for me, took a normal mole and progressed it into melanoma. It took a mole that I'd had possibly my whole life ... and made it into something it wasn't. I got so bad that I had it removed. I got so bad that I woke my husband in the middle of the night and cried and cried and cried. I couldn't breathe and I was restless. I couldn't lie down because I couldn't breathe and I was restless and exhausted.

Eventually, he got me calm and reassured me enough that I just 'let it go' and was able to sleep. I saw two doctors for two opinions (conflicting opinions I might add) about my mole and I had it removed and sent away and then spent 3 weeks waiting for results. THREE. WEEKS of anxiety. Not as bad as before because I was smart - and I spoke to our homeopath and she told me in no uncertain terms was I ever to cut anything out again without talking to her. She reassured me, confidently, that if it was melanoma we would deal with it promptly and she was so confident that I felt my stress melting away.

I had post partum before ... with Amelie and so my husband said he was pretty sure I had it again. I had a great birth but it seems that hormones have a way of throwing a person into a whole new world. I wasn't expecting post partum anxiety ...

My mole results came back benign and I was so relieved I cried.

I started reaching out, gently to people that might know what I'm feeling. Or ... we bumped into the conversation - regardless it would seem that the people I need to be around are falling into my life and I'm very grateful for them. I'm going to grab all the tools and people and feelings I need to cushion myself because that place of anxiety is not somewhere I want to revisit ever. again. I

know I'm feeling better ... because I started cleaning my house - like really cleaning it. You know the kind of cleaning that requires you to make a disaster zone first? That kind. And that's a good thing.