After Amelie was born ....

I like to torture myself occasionally and converse with people about their birth stories. Or I'll phone one of my sisters and ask them to tell me a story of a friend of theirs. Both my sisters and my husband are more than aware of my feelings for Dr. Caca. (Seriously. A perfect. Description) Now, my family members usually ask them who their doctor was and if, by chance, they had Dr. Caca, they immediately relate my story. 99% of the time they hear this response "Oh he was good to us!"

Of COURSE he was!!! He had you 'tied to the bed' with induction juices in your veins, an 'ice cube' in your back, an OR at the ready (just in case) and rubber gloves. PLUS he wasn't late for a dinner probably because DUH ... he induced you when it was convenient. Luckily for these 'patients' my family members don't say THAT, only I do. Which is why nobody calls to talk to me. Dr. Caca gets around.

So anyways. This is exactly what happened when we got to the hospital. In all it's gory detail. For the first time in 2 years and 8 months. (Since my Girl was born.)

We got to the hospital at X time. I was in a bit of shock I think from the birth and I was worried and elated at the same time. My girl wasn't as pink as she should be, but she was still pink (fuzzy detail) and I knew she needed some oxygen. I fully expected that once she got oxygen she would pink right up! (Flurry of fuzzy details) we get to the  maternity ward where I ask them to look over my daughter. She was born that morning and I think she needs oxygen. I HAND my daughter to a nurse. Corey go with her. Stay with her at all times. He did. He was amazing. Didn't leave her side at all. I asked a nurse if I could get checked for rips (because insanely enough I was worried even though I knew there were none) She says of course and I sit in my wheelchair waiting.

Interesting fact : You should know that I'm crying just writing this and it makes me SO FUCKING MAD ~

While waiting, I hear them whispering. I'm not sure where our doula was (parking the car? fuzzy detail) but regardless she met me in one of the 'post partum rooms'. I asked her for an update and she immediately went to check (bless her). To be honest I wish I could remember what she said. I know that there were doctors and nurses working with Girl but I don't think I was aware of anything else yet. While in the room waiting I heard a nurse tell Dr. Caca that one of Dr. Soso's patients had her baby at home and was waiting to be checked for rips. The rest was too low for me to hear. I seriously wish I could remember the conversation but I know I said "I'd like to get checked for rips." When he came in, "We brought in the placenta. I'm not sure where it is right now." and I laughed, ASSUMING he either already knew or someone would find it for him. NOT!!!!

He said he needed to check. SO I let him. The nurse said it would hurt. I should mention two nurses had checked my uterus (by pressing it) to 'check for clots?'. I thought nothing of that. He peeked down and said "I don't see any rips." Then proceeded to feel inside and SHOVE his hand very high up. I screamed. I'm not kidding. I screamed and said "What are you doing?" Or something like that. The nurse squeezed my hand *wow helpful* (NOT) while he pressed on my abdomen and I have no bleepety bleep idea what he was doing. He pulled out some *smallish* clots and said "We don't want any placenta in there."

What. The. Fuck. Did you just say to me? I BROUGHT THE PLACENTA!!! (thought this in my mind realizing I was a moron for coming here)

"I brought it! It's all there." I wiped at my tears in horror. Oh. He said. (This really is the *short version* of what happened) He left. I was shaken, terrified and feeling abused.

Later I learned that Dr. Caca had cornered our doula and verbally ATTACKED her. He tried to convince me she was to blame for having our baby at home. I was SO confused and defensive. I know I didn't blame her. EVER and still don't, but I know my answers were confusing and deflective and my story wasn't making sense. I kept telling him things we'd discussed with our Dr. Soso and he kept saying "I don't think so. I don't think so. Etc ... etc..."

But they also tore into Corey telling him that Amelie could die and would need to be transferred to Saskatoon if she didn't improve. (Her oxygen levels WERE in the 60s? or 80s? I know that number is a big variation but I can't honestly remember) She was on 100% oxygen. When Corey came to me finally he told me briefly all that stuff and that she was on an IV, oxygen and a monitor. I nodded (still in shock) and sent him back. I didn't want her to be alone. I wanted to see her. A nurse came to get me and brought me there (same nurse who held my hand and I honestly think even SHE was in shock about what the doctor had done to me).

I stared at my daughter. Heartbroken and guilty. What had I done?! I know in hindsight I'd done everything right. I brought her in when I felt she ws needing help.


The doctor updated us (can't remember a damned thing he said) I told Corey I needed to leave and ended up fainting into a nurse (or doctor) anyways. They said "shock from birth" You bunch of ignorant assholes you just accused me of almost killing my daughter and terrorizing myself and my husband about our homebirth and you want to blame the actual birth?

The next 26 hours were absolute hell. Corey and I went back and forth between the nursery (where Amelie was being kept) and my room. I was moved to a different room. Corey updated me that they might have to send her to a different hospital and we cried and mourned and felt guilty together. We were harassed constantly by nurses wanting to 'know our story' and telling us we would 'know better' for next time. They badgered us, constantly. I ACTUALLY made a joke about 'camping outside the hospital' What.The.Hell. I blame the shock. I remember pointedly asking why she was on IV and why she had a tube in her. Oh she needed antibiotics for the infection she might have (yup might have) and they were clearing out her lungs (she couldn't do it on her own apparently). The test would take 2 days to come back. 

I know we'd called our families to let them know by now. Then. We got visitors. yup. Visitors. The nurses let them 'take a sneek peek'. Wow. Are you f-ing kidding me. She may have to be sent to Saskatoon for more intense care and you are letting people into the nursery to hold her?! Say it with me now. Nice. The nurses also told Corey that he had to make the decision about the vitamin K shot that it was His baby too and he had a say in it even after he said I didn't want it. He stood his ground. They told him she probably had brain damage also. She didn't and doesn't (her levels weren't that low and a nurse told me that they would have had to be that low for a lot longer than they were for her to have brain damage. Thank you nurse for the info. They were just trying to scare us and guilt us)

I rested (sort of) was constantly interrupted by nurses to let them 'check my stitches'. Er. I had none. No rips and I told them as much. They didn't believe me and insisted on checking. Nice. During the night, after Corey was forced to leave Amelie and I, I stayed with her until I couldn't stay awake. I went to lay down and was shaken awake by the nursery nurse. Come feed your baby. I got dressed, but by the time I got there she was sleeping again. (I found out later the nurse had upped her IV). The nurse helped me hold her anyways because I seriously had no idea how to breastfeed and she made NO motion to help me. I kid you not. I'm pretty sure she was making fun of me and I was too embarrassed to seek help. I finally left feeling like a failure. I was/am so upset by this. I left my daughter in the nursery by herself because I was embarrassed! Ashamed! guilty!

The next morning. A light shone. The next events are maybe mixed up in order so bear with me. The lactation consultant came and asked me how I was doing and introduced herself. She asked if I'd breastfed/where was baby? I gave her a quick overview of what was happening. Well. She immediately said 'let's go breastfeed in there then!' and I was all like ... umm ... ok? So we went (pretty sure I was happy about this) she eyed up the monitors and asked why the baby was on all these things. The pediatrician had just finished checking her. Ready for some drama? Here it is. She asked why the baby was on the monitor and touched Girl's toes and discovered (drumroll) IT WAsn't ON PROPERLY!!! (not the toes you morons, the monitor haha) The pediatrician (oblivious to her discovery) said that her stats were fluctuating a lot and - nurse interrupted him, showing him the stats again. She told him the monitor wasn't on properly and that obviously baby was doing much better because she was definitely pink and the little nose things weren't even on her face. Seriously dude. Onward. THEN she asked why she was on IV and had them lower the dosage because obviously I was going to be feeding the baby and she didn't think that filling the baby up with lame sugar crap was a good idea (she didn't say those exact words hers were so much cooler) Wham Bam thank you m'am I was suddenly in my room with my baby girl! EEEEE

Me WITH baby

Me at 9:30 pm without baby :( On the day she was born

 Girl wouldn't nurse because uh ... duh ... she'd been on an IV. The consultant helped me out in a few hours when we tried again and was a good help. She told Corey to get me my own pyjamas and some clean stuff.  Girl ended up getting jaundice (of course) and we ended up staying in the hospital for 7 days! I was fine. Walking around watching others in labor (lame I totally know) They got SO full that they were double bunking ... one nurse told me that I would be double bunking and if that was the case Amelie couldn't stay here with her 'uv machine?'. Because of where my husband works I'm not allowed to have a room mate incase he is recognized. We got an onslaught of well-meaning visitors, I was guilted into inviting some and others just showed up (exception to my grandpa and grandma who could NOT have known btw) but I was falling into such a depression it was STUPID! Nobody F-ING noticed!! I remember playing with my phone a lot while people were visiting us. Dep-ressed.

Except for the when the social worker came. Yup that's right. Social worker. A social worker came to check up on us at the hospital. She came more than once actually until I told her to stop coming into my room! Nurses came in and out and in and out and one nurse WOKE me up to tell me to stop feeding Amelie so often. To that nurse. Fuck you. She told me I needed to get my rest. I started lying on the 'feeding' card. Whatevs'. I put what she wanted to see. I also followed Girl everywhere. For most of the 'check ups and weighing in'. There was one nurse who was trying to be SO helpful and she made me smile and explained and participate ... I later heard other nurses talking about her and putting her down. Saying she would 'learn not to waste her time with explaining'.

Day 6. The doctor told us Girl was fine but was keeping us 1 more day. Are. you. kidding. I bawled and bawled and bawled and still cry over it. The next morning he said we could go home. I showered, Corey packed and we waited by the nurses station ready to go. The nurses were upset that they hadn't got the paperwork yet but one nurse found it. Corey brought the baby to have that stupid 'You can't leave with your baby clip' removed and I had to sit through the stupidest discharge checklist ever. IT was worse because it was from the wife of a person I know!!! She was RUDE! Ignorant! And told me that I HAD to follow the rules on the paper. F-U! She took her sweet ass time and I seriously zoned out. Then we left.

The stupidness that followed at home was ... stupid. (brain drain) I had 4 maternal visits. I cried and cried and cried and cried ... lots of crying here. My own family/friends (not all of them but many) made me feel guilty, rushed me, talked about me. People I knew whispered ... I cowered. I stopped breastfeeding at 5 months. Returned to work in 9 months.  I was humiliated by everyone who asked me about my choices/my birth etc ... Now I don't yell it so loud. I was beaten down I admit. My own doctor ... he didn't back me up. Dr. Soso ... you broke my heart.

To this day. There are still rumors and nurses that talk about me in the maternity ward at our hospital. And not in a good way. Rude. Making an 'example' of what happened to me. Making fun of me.

And I just found out. I even know who is spreading the slander and misinformation. Angry, I am.

Interesting fact : I am educated!!!!!! RAWR!!!

That is all for now. I will have to reread this a few times I think before I can say that my scar is a little lighter.

Interesting fact : While at the hospital we were CONSTANTLY bothered by nurses checking our every move. One nurse yelled at Corey for sleeping on the bed with me. One nurse yelled at Corey for HOLDING his baby. One nurse told him he couldn't stay long. (I kid you not this happened) One nurse gave people/us heck for using the other bed when we needed to. Lame-O. 

Interesting fact #2 : Dr. Caca delivered another baby by vacuum and the mom was so much on drugs she thought Amelie was her baby. He told her (I was there to witness it) that her baby was in big distress and when he left the nurse said (with my own ears people) baby was not in distress, normal readings but he was getting impatient and wanted to get baby born before supper. The woman had a 3rd degree epis and ended up needing reconstructive surgery. Ouch.