Thursday, January 27, 2011

Pregnancy Rage (it's like road rage ... but worse)

Anyone who's had a kid knows what I'm talking about. Anyone who's ever met a pregnant woman ... knows what I'm talking about. The rest are oblivious.

As a woman nears the end of her pregnancy, she begins to get anxious and excited to meet her new bundle. As her date gets closer and sometimes goes by friends, family and random strangers can't help but say helpful things. You know ... like someone not paying attention to a four way stop and blowing the stop sign. If you don't get hit, you're still in line for some road rage (especially if you're old and you blow the stop sign near the Saskatoon/St. Louis junction and I nearly hit you. I will road rage myself all over your ass!!!! Did you just give ME the finger!!! That was a STOP sign you BLATHERING moron!!!! (Absolutely insane tirade here with some nice elevator background music)) Onward.

Interesting fact : Blathering ... is a word.

What WAS I talking about ... oh yes. Pregnancy Rage. Here let me give you a few examples of what a pregnant woman is thinking when you ask/tell her an absolutely redundant question/statement. And by pregnant woman I mean Gayle. Probably anyways.


1. Wow! Are you ever big!!
  • Thanks! And look at you!! When are YOU expecting for??
2. Did you have your baby yet?
  • Yes. She's in my purse. You know ... like a chihuahua. 
  • ......... what baby?
  • OMG. I didn't even know you WERE expecting. Congrats!! You must be close too!
3.  Are you sure there isn't two in there??
  • I'm actually having puppies
4. Man, you've been pregnant for ever!!
  • I'm actually ... an elephant! SURPRISE!
5. How are you feeling?
  • Fantastic!!!!! I just got back from an orgy!!
  • Well ... if you must know ... I have a back ache, a front ache, a leg ache, an arm ache, a head ache, an eyelash ache, a toothache, a vagina ache and the worst of the worst ... I can't see reach around to wipe myself because I'm so big. 
6. Make sure you get lots of sleep now before baby gets here!
  • Wait. You mean ... when the baby gets here I won't be sleeping??!!
7. Wow you look so tired ...
  • You look like Mimi off the Drew Carey show.
  • I don't know why ... I take tons of drugs and alcohol before bed. Knocks me right out.
8. You don't look pregnant at all
  • It's because I only eat water
  • I'm not. Just fat and reaping the benefits of pregnancy.
9.  Say goodbye to your free time
  • Well. I was spending it with you before so ... really ... this is a step up.
10. Drink LOTS of water
  • OH!!! I thought I was supposed to DRINK lots of water.
  • Well of course, what do you think I made my coffee with
11. Say goodbye to clean clothes
  • You won't mind if I wipe my hands on your shirt then? I don't want my clothes to get dirty before their time.
12. Who's your doctor?
  • Dr. Seuss
  • .... what doctor
13. You're not supposed to eat for two you know ...
  • .... so what's your excuse.
  • good thing I'm eating for 5
14. Let me know as SOON as you have your baby ...
  • RIGHT after I let Cat in the Hat know.
  • Don't worry, I'll have a live feed to facebook ... you can watch the baby come out of my vagina ... in fact all of facebook can watch.
15. So anything yet? Contractions anything?
  • There is no way in the world I could possibly be talking to you if I thought I might be in labor. The baby might get scared and change her mind.
  • Yes. Diarrhea. Lots and lots of diarrhea. And gas. WOOOOO can you smell that??!!
So. Just a head's up about what to expect when you ask a pregnant woman ... any of the above questions ... you know ... I was NOT like that of course. 


Jacquie said...

OMG!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA this was so halarious. sad thing we all ask an expecting mom " anything yet?"

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, this is hilarious, it made my day! Thanks for the laughs Corinne!

Yvonne said...

You have NO IDEA how hard I laughed, reading this. I read most of it out loud to Devon, during which I cracked up AGAIN... Devon's happy that you and I get along lol. I think he may have been worried.

Corinne Linfitt said...

Yvonne, feel free to use these when you get pregnant and have babies. ;) I wonder why he was worried ... I'm not hard to get along with AT ALL (sarcasm) I'm glad we get along too (not sarcasm)