DEERLY beloved,

Deerly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God, and in the presence of these witnesses, and because my husband waited 2 months to get it done, to cut, gut and skin these deer. To join together this meat and paper in holy meat-amony, which is an honorable estate, instituted of God, (when he put animals on this Earth he intended us to be carnivores, but noooooooooo Eve had to be a vegetarian and eat from the 'special organic tree'). It is therefore, not to be entered into unadvisedly, but reverently, discreetly (only if you are a poacher), and in the fear of God and/or Conservation officers. Into this holy estate these deer chops, ribs and steaks come now to be joined to this paper and tape.

Our Savior has instructed that a man (or woman) shall forsake his father and mother and provide for his wife. By his hunting buddies, he has instructed those who enter into this relation to cherish a mutual esteem and love, to bear with each others' infirmities and weaknesses and inability to hit a target; to comfort each other in sickness, trouble, and sorrow when that big buck gets away; in honesty and industry to provide for each other and for their household in temporal things; to pray for and encourage each other in the things which pertain to God (and hunting); and to live together as heirs of the grace of life.

God, for the joy of this occasion we thank you. For the significance of this day we thank you. For this important moment in an ever growing relationship between hunter and prey, we thank you. For your presence here and now and for your presence at all times, but especially for the infinite number of times my husband got stuck and you were with him, we thank you. For the plastic and bleach that will clean my kitchen once this disaster is done, we thank you.

(moment of silence)

Now why the hell is there meat in my sink and on my table and no husband in sight??!!!! ARE YOU? GOD? Going to cut this meat up for him?? Hunh? Are you?? YOU saw fit to let him actually hit a deer with his shot this year! And SOMEONE has to take responsibility for this. ... Well??

Amen.

HAHA. Just kidding God. But seriously if you take offense to this post, then YOUR God doesn't have a sense of humor like my God. My God has a rocking sense of humor.