30 days of truth - Day 03 ~ Something you have to forgive yourself for

There are plenty of things I'm sure, but the most recent and most predominate one on my mind these days ... is Will's circumcision. Every time I change his diaper I'm reminded of the unnecessary pain I caused him and of the unknown long term effects it will have on him. Everybody always says 'he won't remember', 'you'll be happy it's done now instead of later', 'I know someone etc ...'. Here's the major thing about that. The reason I can't just forgive myself and give it logic. I probably have a higher chance of getting a devastating cancer ... than he would have needed to get a circumcision later in life. Here is the link to how I felt after it was done : Circ

What others do to their own sons is their own business, I'm just devastated by the choice I made. I know my son loves me. He LOVES me.

But I'm filled with guilt. 24 hours after his circ, he had a yeast infection. 'These things happen' .... isn't the circumcision supposed to ... prevent that?? And it was a bad one too and I was keeping him ridiculously clean. The doctor was even surprised. Then at his 6 month check up we discovered that it was re-attaching. I refused to get it redone and I refused to let him 'pull it down'. He told me it might loosen on it's own and after a bit of research and keeping a close eye on it, I can see that it is, indeed, loosening and I'm pretty sure he's not in pain. I find a little solace knowing I prevented more unnecessary pain.

I don't know when I will actually forgive myself for this. There isn't much that can be said to alleviate the ache, especially from those who are wholeheartedly pro-circumcision. (I'm not judging you, please don't think that) Nor from those wholeheartedly against circumcision. The circumcision itself was done properly from what I can see and tell and it isn't a hack job.

My heart hurts. And I'm still undecided on the subject. I'm simply not ready to tackle this issue full on yet I suppose. Sigh. This wasn't a very funny post.