Hydrant Shed

Today, my husband almost died. Some of it was his fault, some of it was accidental and the rest was because I almost killed him myself.

He started off by sleeping in. He wasn't out of the house for any chores until after noon. He dumped the loader for me and I then re-filled it and I finished cleaning my summer coop. Well, the chicken side. I still have to clean out the pig side but we have to take the wall down for that (that's another story). While I was shoveling, I got annoyed of him sitting in the loader and I demanded he be productive.

Now, if I could rewind this, I probably should have let him just sit in the loader. 😒

This set in motion a great many events. He made plans.

I was, at this point, blissfully unaware of his plans. I was still cleaning in the coop and tossing eggs to the pigs as the chickens laid them. (They are doing so much better already) I could hear banging and the occasional swear but paid it no heed. At one point, I went out to check on the kids and move my little chicks to the out coop. We let out the 10 week old chicks with the big chickens and just put the four smaller d'uccles in the safety coop. They loved it! I watched Corey make progress on the small building, vaguely remembering his plans for it. Meh. Moved on. 

Occasionally, he would ask me to stand on something or hold something, but it was still rather uneventful at this point. I asked him how he was going to lift it and he said something like:

Magic. 

I tried to argue but he insisted magic would work. I went into the house to get snacks for kids and then was back outside to make plans for my summer coop. 

That's when problems started. Now … he did manage to use magic to lift up the small building. Huh. Cool. Ok. No problem. Now I started to pay attention to his plans. 

They were shoddy, sketchy and relied heavily on positive thinking. I was hesitant but he's moved building before so … ok. Anyways … I made suggestions and they were ignored. Seriously thought. If I could rewind here I would have forced the issue. I was right in the end. 0_0. 

Everything was fine until he tried math. There was some insisting the building would fit until I pointed out the inside of the building is smaller than the outside. It isn't a Tardis. 

#Icouldhaveusedatardis

Once we established math, there was still arguing. Looking back, I see now I should have insisted and this next part may have been less painful. We got everything lined up, which was hard because railroad ties are super heavy. Then. He began to put it down. There was yelling here because he couldn't see me and if I was where he could see me, then I couldn't see the lineup. This resulted in many ups and downs and shouting and short tempers. But wait. There's more. 

Finally. He got out of the tractor and came over. I pointed out the problem and he set about trying to fix it and then I noticed the tractor … moving. W.T.F. I thought it was just settling but then it wsa literally moving. I screamed at Corey yanking him out of the building so he could run to the tractor but I had my arms holding the building (because I'm suddenly Hercules!) so he couldn't run across. I shoved him the other way and he was confused because certain death was that way ….

anyways. the building caught on the hydrant by the time Corey did manage to catch up to the loader and it bent it and I was losing my mind. (I was actually pretty calm-jk no.) Corey also decided to blame the universe for everything going wrong but I corrected him with a few I told you sos and if you had done it my ways … (that's what a good wife does in stressful moments - super helpful) (it's not) Corey solved the loader problem by putting a twig behind the wheel. 

How reassuring. 

Lucky for us, the hydrant still works. I really should have reconsidered his leadership here, but no … because not enough magical drama apparently. He explained to me what the next plan was. I mostly stared at him wondering how he even comes up with these plans. I then spent the next thirty minutes moving railroad ties by myself. inch by inch. I refused to let him get out of the loader. 

I'm traumatized for life. (Forever. Seriously)

But wait. There's still more … the building refused to let go of the loader, so Corey had a plan. WHYYY!!!!!???? He made me put blocks in it. Still didn't work. Don't worry he has another magical plan - he drags the biggest post I've ever seen and waves his hands around explaining his plan. Now we have the loader with no brakes and a quad with no ability to shift out of gear. 

Super fun. 

He hooks up the quad to the post thing. I point out it won't fit but he insists it will. Guess what … it didn't. Lots of craziness here and then the building is literally falling over and I'm like fuckit. Corey pushes up the building. (HAHA What?!?) I watched and then came around and between the two of us we got it to stay up (magic seriously.) and get it onto the blocks. William had to hold the brakes on the quad the whole time and I made Corey park the loader in a crevice, against some trees so it wouldn't go anywhere. 

I go into the building and I could cry. My bucket doesn't fit by the hydrant and all I wanted to scream was I TOLD YOU SO at the top of my lungs but Corey was in a different mood. He was ecstatic. The building was in place. 

I stared at him. Maybe a bucket was thrown, maybe it was 'gently tossed' maybe tears were shed because of being upset and maybe they were shed because of injury, maybe death threats were made but I mean those details are muddled up ...

Here is a summary of important things to remember: 

- the loader refuses to acknowledge the parking brake. 

- screaming at it to stop will not make it stop.

- pushing Corey to the loader while simultaneously telling him to hold the building is unproductive.

- there are not big enough railroad ties to put a building on when you have to move them by cms.

- attempting to hold the loader and prevent it from rolling backwards is not ideal.  

- bent hydrants still work 

- the quad has no ability to shift out of gear. 

- we're all alive. 

Now, if we had done this the way I had wanted to do it in the first place, nobody would have been at risk or panicking and it would be so much more useful.

#imjustsaying

My body hurts in all the places. I am barely moving this evening. I'm making the plans from now on. 

I aged 30 years today.