First my shoes ... then my truck ...

I like to go through my texts from time to time because I'm absent-minded lately. I even put things where I'll see them so I don't forget and leave the house without them anyways. Like the photoshoot props I bought just for Nikki. Whatever. I came across a text from our photographer from the end of August and it made me shake my head all over again.

We were meeting in Prince Albert because he was done editing our family images (from mom's 50th birthday party). We were going to meet at Rona. So he asks me where I'm parked and I reply :

Me : I drive a red dodge.

Some time passes and I decide to specify

Me : Truck.

1 minute passes

Me : What do you drive?

That way there's two of us looking right? Of course. Totally logical.

Suddenly ... something occurs to me. My truck isn't red.

Me : I mean TAN!!! AHAHAHAHA

Some more time passes ....

... and he calls ... as he's walking by ....

and I realize my truck isn't tan either. It's silver.

You're welcome.

And .... where's my shoes???

Just imagine a looong exasperated sigh here.

All I was doing was dropping off some Scentsy and some chocolate. I mean ... it was easy, run in - drop it off - stare at everyone - leave.

This is what happened.

I parked the truck, sorta. Madison had to go pee so we argued about the etiquette of borrowing someone's bathroom - she won. We got out of the vehicle and stepped inside. Maddie asked to borrow the washroom, no problem. I took off my shoes not sure how far we were going, turns out not that far.

I commented how big the girls were and chatted about some other thing. Handed over the chocolate, she smelled the bars - nothing happened in the right order here. Whatever.

She commented something and I randomly replied, only now realizing that I may have replied in a completely erroneous way and off-topic because she kind of laughed like 'this one is a crazy lady'. Then Maddie was back and gone and I said thanks and enjoy and I left.

I only noticed when I got down the steps that I didn't have my shoes. Seriously? O-O.

I went back to the house and opened the door.

"I forgot my shoes."

She probably gets that all the time.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a very, very scary place to be. I call it a place because it felt like a place. Like a scary, maze and I kept hitting these dead ends. Scary and dark and really terrifying. I've been worried about things before, but there's a difference between being worried and having anxiety.




I've always been 'worried' or 'concerned' about things, and people have told me I'm 'too worried' and need to relax more. I wonder if they realize that those words aren't helpful in any way, shape, or form. I'm kind of getting off topic here, but I think it's worse when I'm yelling at my kids or something and someone else chimes in ... like really??

Anywalruses .... where was I ... oh yes the dark scary place that we call anxiety.

It's dark. Scary. And there isn't much oxygen there.

Anxiety, for me, took a normal mole and progressed it into melanoma. It took a mole that I'd had possibly my whole life ... and made it into something it wasn't. I got so bad that I had it removed. I got so bad that I woke my husband in the middle of the night and cried and cried and cried. I couldn't breathe and I was restless. I couldn't lie down because I couldn't breathe and I was restless and exhausted.

Eventually, he got me calm and reassured me enough that I just 'let it go' and was able to sleep. I saw two doctors for two opinions (conflicting opinions I might add) about my mole and I had it removed and sent away and then spent 3 weeks waiting for results. THREE. WEEKS of anxiety. Not as bad as before because I was smart - and I spoke to our homeopath and she told me in no uncertain terms was I ever to cut anything out again without talking to her. She reassured me, confidently, that if it was melanoma we would deal with it promptly and she was so confident that I felt my stress melting away.

I had post partum before ... with Amelie and so my husband said he was pretty sure I had it again. I had a great birth but it seems that hormones have a way of throwing a person into a whole new world. I wasn't expecting post partum anxiety ...

My mole results came back benign and I was so relieved I cried.

I started reaching out, gently to people that might know what I'm feeling. Or ... we bumped into the conversation - regardless it would seem that the people I need to be around are falling into my life and I'm very grateful for them. I'm going to grab all the tools and people and feelings I need to cushion myself because that place of anxiety is not somewhere I want to revisit ever. again. I

know I'm feeling better ... because I started cleaning my house - like really cleaning it. You know the kind of cleaning that requires you to make a disaster zone first? That kind. And that's a good thing.

Nicole Hannah Marie Linfitt

Nikki 's birth story
May 4th/2013 @11:18 am
9lbs 2ounces
23 inches long

Well ... I was going to do a detailed birth story but ... we'll see what happens.

The two nights before Nikki was born I googled acupressure and reflexology to induce labor ... just ... I did okay. Just nevermind.

On the 4th early in the morning, I felt contractions ... sorta ... then Corey left for work and at 5:30 I called him to let him know that yep they were contractions and nope I wasn't kidding. Apparently he'd just sat down for a coffee. Mom got to the house by 6:30 am and we were on our way.

The contractions were ... you know ... contractions and I'd never had 'front' contractions before so it was a little weird - very little back labor until (dramatic music)

Some old people cut Corey off in Saskatoon and I slammed head first into the side of the truck. I thought I was dead/dying/broken .... never going to survive, etc ... Amazingly enough, as I listened to Corey repeatedly ask me if I was okay in a rather panicky voice, I kept my cool and slowly assessed the damage. I didn't move for a few seconds while I waited to see if there was sharp/shooting pains or numbness anywhere ... since there wasn't I slowly backed up and moved my limbs one at a time. By this point my labor had nearly stopped. Yikes. 0_o. But I was okay.

When we got to Lisa's contractions were quite spaced but I was glad to get up and out and really assess myself. Other than a very beautiful bruise on my forehead and one just under my eye I was stunned really. I didn't feel dizzy or even have a headache and I was completely aware of every achy part ...

I got into the tub - that was already bubbling and waiting for me (oh yes) and there was soft music playing (heart beat sounds I believe) and it was very peaceful. I needed to calm down. Shortly after we got there, our sweet doula Dionne got there ... now things will come randomly as I write them down so ... sorry if it makes no sense lol.

This was Dionne's first birth so considering she had me as a birthing mama, I think she did splendid at taking direction. Ice was put on my forehead and I went into a zen zone where I sat and calmly mentally reassured baby that everything was okay and contractions could start up again. They did ... rather quickly actually.

Sometime the midwife got there, checked baby's heartbeat - wasn't right away. Baby's heartbeat was quite high ... now ... I thought someone had told her about me hitting my head but nobody did so she was concerned. I did want to get out of the tub anyways so I got out and the heartbeat came down after a little bit and stayed very steady - still a bit on the higher side but nice and steady.

Labor ... was all in the back now and because I'd hurt my neck (strained) it was unreasonably painful lol. For realz. At this point, I was SO DONE having kids - and still am ... ;) There wasn't much that could be done to alleviate this pain. I eventually asked to be checked and I was 5 cm ... I asked again later and I wanted my water broken because I was in SO MUCH crazy pants pain but she couldn't break it ... it ended up breaking on it's on. I was that far gone which ... I should have realized.

I even labored on my back for a bit - it felt ... pretty awesome actually. I'm thinking baby was maneuvering at this point because then I suddenly wanted to be up (and done) so I got up and labored with the birthing ball. I didn't get the SUDDEN urge to push like William, in fact ... I kind of tried to push a time or two and the 2nd time it just kind of suddenly was like oohhhhh you want the baby ooouuuttt ... and my body caught on.

Baby decided to come out with her 'adorable' hands close to her face so as she was coming out - she did so incredibly slowly. There was a point I thought her shoulders were coming out ... but ... nope ... it was just the crowning of her head. Then there was another point like that and nope just her forehead (like seriously). My amazing team coached me through so perfectly that she came out nice and slow with no explosive perineum or anything lol. PHEW. It gave a whole knew meaning to 'blow it out' and 'don't push'. Like seriously. Best coaching ever.

Finally, when the midwife could see her hands she realized the baby wasn't stuck - oh ps she totally wasn't stuck but nobody bothered to ask me and I was facing the wrong way to really know that anyone was applying gentle pressure to my baby.

Then at 11:18 am Nikki made her grande appearance to a rather stunned (and somewhat emotional) room of women - oh and Corey was there. I felt great actually and turned around and snapped my baby right out of the midwife's hands lol. I was pretty energized, checking her out, totally in the zone.

Once the cord stopped pulsing I allowed them to cut the cord and we snuggled and I was all happy and then I let them weigh her and she was 9lbs 2 ounces .. I MAY have been the only one not surprised in the room. I did tell everyone she would likely be 9lbs ... so I'm just sayin' ...

It was pretty awesome and also - I'm done with having babies. Like WHO DOES THAT so many times???

I need a chiropractor ... and a massage ... and so does Nikki.

PS What ... afterbirth pains ... I think people need to be more serious about warning other moms about that ... as I crawled to the bathroom certain I was dying on day 3 and phoning my midwife and having her manage not to laugh but to reassure me all was well.

So. done.

If you want other details/more details placenta details ... how I almost got into a major fight with the midwives about the management of my placenta ... yeah you'll have to message me lol. ;) Or I might get another post up on another night when Nikki goes to bed like a good girl.

Spay/Neuter your dog

I realize that spaying and neutering an animal can be expensive. I ... know. Actually spaying is more expensive ... but anyways ...

I also know the horrific truth about kill shelters and I've seen what happens to animals that stay too long in SPCAs. I've had to hold a dog and watch the life slip from it's eyes and I've had to live with it until the shelter I worked at was able to start fostering the animals out.  Even with the foster homes we found ... many animals had been ruined/turned violent or were too old and no one wanted them and I still had to hold those innocent lives and watch them go. It wasn't easy for the vet either.

If you are going to get a dog you should consider a few important things.

A - Why do you want your dog?
B - What are you going to do if it doesn't get along with your kids/lifestyle?
C - How much thought are you actually going to put into this????

Sometimes, it happens, you do your research and get your dog home and realize ... ah crap ... this is just ... WAY too much for me. I get it. You find it a new home and get a more appropriate pet - like a fish ... okay sure ...

What I don't get ... is the people who have perfectly good dogs ... but they've decided they want different dogs so they get rid of their dogs and get a new dog - just cause. What??? Where is YOUR loyalty???

I think above all ... my biggest pet peeve is those people that are breeding their mixed breed dogs. Why are you doing this? Do you have ANY inkling of what you are doing? What if your dog has 10 puppies ... that's TEN NEW HOMES ... what are you going to do if they don't find homes? How can you be sure that they will be well cared for at these new homes? This isn't a game ... it's not a joke, it's animal lives! Is your dog in possession of some super amazing ability that you think will be passed on and everyone will line up to get one?

I've seen puppies being put to sleep because they've gone utterly crazy in shelters, have been abused beyond shelter budget repair ... or were injured so badly there was just nothing we could do.

Unless your dog was bred for a special purpose - cattle, hunting, showing ... there is literally no reason to have puppies. It won't make your dog 'stay in the yard', or quieter or anything like that. People who want to pay lots of money for their animals generally want something proven, good quality and from reputable breeders. I'm not saying all breeders are 'professionals' nor am I saying that 'regular people' can't take care of their animals properly but I've just seen TOO MANY ads of 'please come take these puppies!!' and then all of a sudden I see another post about them proudly announcing their dog is pregnant again.

WHAT???!!

The cost to spay your dog ... will cost you less than having to feed a pile of puppies for a year ... and selling unregistered animals for lots of money is uncool.

Puppies aren't toys.

Then I read about people flippin' out because the SPCA is charging 100$ to adopt an animal ... wait ... if you can't afford 100$ ... how are you going to afford your animal. Not only is this animal already spayed/neutered (unless too young) but it's most likely had it's shots and a vet check ... that actually SAVES YOU MONEY.

PS - And I'm a total hypocrite because I don't feel the exact same way about cats LOL. AAHHHH I know ... but farm living makes it tougher for cats to survive so - to me - if they breed ... I'm actually okay with it. I know ... HYPOCRITE

Do we need anything for baby?

YES!

And also no ... lol

I do have ... you know ... things that I would like??

I've had enough people ask about it now I decided to sit down and think about what I could use and here is the result. These are things I will be purchasing or doing myself ANYWAYS but if you want to help out that's very sweet of you (but DEFINITELY not necessary lol) :

1. Frozen meals. I hate cooking while not pregnant so you can imagine how thrilled I'll be once baby is here ... we don't normally eat beef and I know meat can be expensive but if this is something you are interested in I am MORE than happy to provide you with the meat (moose) required for your recipe. :) This is also good because I've only eaten moose so throwing beef in there might not sit well with me? I'm not really sure how that would go - at all. (shrug) Maybe nothing would matter.

2. Gift Certificate for that Bra place in Warman - I'm just going to need to suck it up and get some good bras this time around and I really would like some good ones so any amount towards that would rock. I'm waiting until my milk comes in before going in and 'guessing' what size I'll be. I'm pretty sure I'll be fairly big but not like DD.Okay seriously now that my milk is in ... one bra just isn't cutting it LOL

3. A wrap - I'm going to be buying two no matter what. These are not like the stretchy wraps you see in stores (I already have one). I will be purchasing a woven wrap and have my eyes on a couple. They range from 100$-160$ shipped and are amazing, sturdy and will be perfect for a few years. They come in different sizes and I'm a size 4. I'm going to be purchasing used so that it is already 'broken' in. Here is a picture of one I'm eyeing up and a link to another so you can see what the heck I'm talking about : Girasol Creme Weft Size 4

4. Diapers - Anything over size 1 really.

5. A portable bassinet/sleep beside me kind of thing. I have one in mind but am waiting for a sale. This is mostly for camping - we were already very generously given a bassinet for at home.

6. Anyone want to paint my kitchen for me? Paint my cupboards?

7. OH! Make sure there is fruit/veggies at home for after baby. I know I eat a TON while I'm in the first few weeks after baby. Nursing starves me. Actually I can make sure it's here but if someone can find it in them to come and put it in fridgesmarts ... that would likely be appreciated because Corey cuts it all wrong and I'll likely be tired ;)

Working Moms

Lately I've been seeing these posts about how hard stay-at-home moms have it. How exhausted they are, how they need a break ...

I'm so beyond irritated that I am ready to lose my gasket on them.

They are right though, being a stay at home mom is a lot of never ending work! It's tiring, exhausting emotionally and mentally, it doesn't end at 5 o'clock, it goes on and on and it's maybe even monotonous. Laundry never ends, dishes keep going, floors, walls ... but -

It's work that most of us working moms would give our left leg to do during the day. Work that most of us moms still have to accomplish at the end of the day when we get home from our outside jobs. Work that doesn't go away because we don't work from home or just stay-at-home.

Stay-at-home moms have to deal with their kids 24/7. They need a break right? They don't get to 'escape' their kids ...

What about working moms? Their kid was sick all night? They STILL have to get up, go to work and come back and do all that other house work that just sits there all day. They have to leave their child with someone else - if the daycare or sitter is okay with it - and they are worried all day. If they don't have enough sick days, they lose wages. Sometimes if they call in sick it will affect a lot of other people too! They are exhausted at work, which might affect their work, run them down and they might even be spreading whatever the illness was. What if that working mom is a teacher ... where is HER escape?! She leaves her little ones only to go to work and deal with 15-30 OTHER kids.

Working moms don't always work close to home either and have to travel quite a ways to get to their jobs. Sometimes, on those days, where stay-at-home moms are complaining there's no school because buses aren't running, working moms STILL have to go to work. They still have to bundle their babies and take them out into the cold because they have a job to do. Maybe they even do a job that makes a difference in all our homes ....

maybe they run Netflix! ;) Bahahahaha. Well I don't know maybe .... and I would be so devastated if I missed out on my Netflix.

Working moms with babies have to be up at all hours of the night and DON'T GET pyjama days until the weekends. On those weekends, they have to choose between getting their outside housework done or spending time with kids. Guilt sets in because if you don't do your outside upkeep then things start falling apart but spending time with the kids is something super important too. If their kid didn't sleep well during the night and it was an up/down kind of night they still have to get up, go to work, finish the day, come home and do all the stuff that still needs to be done. They don't get to take a nap while the kids are in school, or while the baby naps, or put off housework until later. They sometimes only get minutes to wake up, get ready, get kids ready and go to work - sometimes they are lucky if they get a shower because sleep is more important.

Working moms who put their kids in activities have to make all sorts of arrangements as it is to make sure their child is at the right place at the right time and sometimes they are working just SO their kids can do these activities. Working moms have specific times they have to be picking up their kids, dropping them off. They sometimes can't make it to certain activities and have to arrange for someone else to take their kids, so they miss out on those special times.

Working moms often miss those first words, sometimes first steps, first time on the potty, fun filled days in the snow, putting laundry on the line (bahahahahaha), making bread, splashing in puddles ....

By the end of the week, a working mom literally doesn't stop working to take a break. I have no yet met a working mom who does not appreciate any time with her kids. In fact, the working moms I know will put aside their me time to do something with their kids. I've heard stay-at-home moms gripe that they don't get to go to the bathroom by themselves - really??? Who cares?? I barely get to go to the bathroom at WORK without a little hand banging on the door LOL.

Both kinds of moms have tons of work, tons of stress, tons of worries and decisions to make, tons of responsibility, but one of them gets to spend all their time with their kids. Their kids who will only be little ... one. time. You can't pause them being 3 until you can spend the time with them. You can't put them on pause while at daycare or the sitter. Life keeps going. They keep growing.

When those kids go to school, there are stay-at-home moms who get that brilliant opportunity to do whatever job they want, volunteer, be on boards, have flexible schedules, help with school activities etc ... those working moms get sneered at, frowned at and tsk'ed about because they CAN'T help out. They can't make 24 cupcakes for the class, or come help with a hot lunch. They can't leave work to drive their kids to volleyball, basketball, swimming ... or their kids can't participate because there is no way for them to get home if they live out of town. Some working moms STILL do ALL of that other stuff.

So if you are a stay-at-home mom ... and your kids were sick all night, or they are driving you absolutely mad during some school or summer holidays ... just grab them and hug them. Remind yourself that you get to spend that holiday with them. You get to send them outside and play and distract and enjoy whatever is happening. It's a beautiful sunny day?  You get to make that spontaneous trip to the lake. It's raining on the weekend? Oh well, you get to snuggle and watch movies. You had outside work to do? Oh well, do it on Monday while the kids are in school.

I am totally uber jealous of all those stay-at-home moms, but I have the utmost respect for working moms. We don't all have the 'choice' to stay-at-home. I am even a very lucky working mom. My kids are with a great sitter, they are happy, I work from 8:30-3:30 and although I have to commute, if the weather is questionable I can call in and say I can't make it. My boss was very understanding this year with my pregnancy and I had enough days to cover being sick and when my kids were sick. My husband works shift work and he can be home with the kids here and there. I get holidays and summers off. Soon I will be on maternity leave and although the idea of being home alone with three kids is a little daunting, I'm confident that even on those days where all I want to do is hide with a big bowl of chocolate ice cream, turn on the shower and be oblivious to the world around me, I'm going to appreciate every single second I get.

.... unless they puke because I can't deal with puke. For real. I can deal with any diaper but puke ... oh. em. gee.

In the States, they get 6 weeks .... that's. it. I get a full year, a little over actually.

This blog probably offended every stay-at-home mom out there but I'm a little overwhelmed by how brilliantly offending those stay-at-home moms can be. All you have to do is look into a working mom's eyes to see her wishing she could be dropping off her own kid at school, or picking them up, or even snuggling her sick kid on the couch watching a movie. Don't ever assume that she is not as good of a mom as you because she is working instead of being at home. Ever.

Some moms choose to work because they just plain want to. They still work just as hard. I know so many awesome stay-at-home moms who are all 'braggy' on facebook lol and I'm like ... sooooo jealous but that's what made me write this blog. They are taking full advantage of their time with their kids. Their kid is cranky? Whiny? Sick again? They definitely will post a little something but you can just 'tell' they are SO happy to be able to take care of their sick little baby or toddler or school-aged child. Because I work, I'm relieved that the person that takes care of my kids is just like that. She takes pictures too so sometimes you can see what your silly child is doing during the day. When my kids are cranky - I don't get to 'escape it' at work. There are 26 other kids 3-5 years old waiting for me and the chances of them all being in a good mood ... well you guess what those odds are.

As a working mom, I don't get that 'bonding' that other stay-at-home moms are getting. I don't get playdates in the morning, or afternoon coffee ... I know other moms too that only get evenings to do anything and then all their stay-at-home moms are tired, want to stay home. Sigh ...

I'm am blessed with my job/sitter/life but not all the working moms are so lucky. They don't need to hear that they aren't as good and there are just too many that cry because they have to leave their little ones with someone else.

We can't all work from home, let's face it ... men can not be left to 'rule the planet' by themselves ...