I had this post written out all the way home - basically. Once I got home and let go of some of that frustration it seemed to melt away, especially when I began to read about another family's distress.
Today, I came face to face, with a situation I have been in before. A friend who is desperately in need of compassion, love, warmth and all I could offer was ... funny remarks, a nod, agreement - and in this case I brought a coffee (well a mocha).
I've never been good at the situations that involve sharing someone's grief, but I wanted so badly to share her grief just so maybe she would have a little less burden. I didn't know how - plus there was two 2 year olds running around and a couple little dancers just down the hall. I guess now I can reason it was hardly the time nor the place, but still - the guilt that crept into me the moment I pulled out of that parking lot overwhelmed me to a point of crying all the way home.
I cried for her loss.
I cried because this wasn't the first bad thing to happen to her, and it seemed unfair and unrelenting.
I cried because her kindness didn't deserve so much unfairness.
I cried because having little kids is hard, nevermind when you are grieving a loved one.
I cried because I didn't reach out and hug her before I left. This one was the worst. It upset me so much I almost turned around but then realized how silly that was. I should have gone back.
Her kindness and compassion towards others has never faltered, not to my knowledge. I have benefitted from her thoughtfulness and have thought of it all the time. She has a patience that she probably doesn't even realize. She's so great to others and she would have hugged me and wouldn't have cared if there were millions of people staring at us. She's so honest and practical. She would have reached out a great many times over the past two weeks, even if she thought there was lots of people to support.
I didn't know what to say - I never do, but then again that's always been okay. I've usually distanced myself from people enough that ... it's okay. Maybe it's pregnancy and hormones, but maybe it's me realizing that I haven't had a heart in a long, long time. I've put it under lock and key because I hate being hurt and crying and upset. I've always tried to reason things, put a positive spin on it and just shake off the negative. That has made me cold.
Until tonight.
I could hardly see through my tears, and every song reminded me of my guilt. I finally listened to Thneedville and Jake and the Neverland Pirates ... I might have been crying over that too by the time I got home.
I always MEAN well, to anyone who is suffering. I never know what to do or say and don't want to be seen as fake or phony so I do nothing, which ... is probably worse. For two weeks I've been thinking of her and her family and all she's been dealing with and I was getting upset and restless.
Then to top it off, the first thing she asked when I picked up the carrier that held her baby was how I was doing?! Her kindness still hasn't stopped!
All I did was sit there and wish I could help in a much better way. Corey is so good at this kind of stuff. I'm glad he offered to make supper and have them come over and I'm glad I did offer the moose meat, which we will sort out when they come for said supper that Corey will make because I will burn/forget/under spice/suck at it.
My heart hurts and maybe even the soul I forgot I even had. She's always been so patient with my oddities and 'coldness'. I heart her.
I wish I could heart away all the bad things and only make good things.
So wishing I had reached out and given that hug. If you read this J, I SO HUG YOU and heart you.
